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Here is a dialog I had with a co-worker in Phoenix (whom I’ve never met, by the way). (One or two of you may have already seen this.)

These two guys went to a Facilities Management Tradeshow and had a little writeup in the company news site. I posted the comment below to the news item (I’m one of the ONLY ones who ever comments on our corporate news postings) and Bob one-upped me with a snappy comeback.

Nov 21st, 2006 at 11:00 am
So, Bob and Jeff, did you learn how to keep spies from crawling through the HVAC ductwork? Surely there was a seminar on that.It’s always the ductwork. When will the CIA and other critical government and banking organizations learn that the weakest link is the ductwork? While I doubt we’re high on any spy’s lists, we definitely need to secure Phoenix’s ductwork. Saratoga’s is exposed and we’d see it rattling around from any unwanted interlopers.

Another thought… how come the spies who do crawl through ductwork
never come out covered in dust? So the CIA and others regularly CLEAN their ducts but don’t secure them?

Kurt

Bob’s reply:

From: Bob Hitchman
Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2006 11:01:28 -0700
To: Kurt Higgins
Cc: Jeff Jacobs
Subject: Spies among us

Yes, they did have a seminar on duct work security and they did touch on the need to keep them clean, however, from the standpoint of security, loose ducts are best. When I worked for the CIA I attended a seminar on the importance of choosing only clean well secured ducts to climb through when participating in any type of espionage, as the dust is very hard to remove from a tuxedo, and when you are meeting up with a beautiful double agent you want to look your best. So now you know the logic behind clean unsecured ducts.

Bob Hitchman
Building Operations Manager

And not to be outdone… my good friend, Anthony, chimed in with this:

Well, it is clear that the training that Bob received was quite some time ago. Do you think that the nano-technology used in wrinkle resistant clothing was a civilian development? Oh no, quite the contrary! Bad guys all over the world realized that while it was necessary to keep ducts clean to prevent mold spores and the likes of Legionnaire’s disease, but they found that it was all to easy for spies to travel undetected in their duct work. At first, they resorted to various motion sensors and booby traps. These were costly and required periodic maintenance in order to stay effective. In the process of finding a more economical spy deterrent, they simply let the ducts stay dirty. This way, the prim and proper secret agent who had to look his best in his formal attire would avoid the ducts altogether.

Soon, the CIA began working on a dust removal system for the tuxedos. They had a compressed air cylinder with microscopic air tubes that ran throughout the clothing. Squeeze the trigger and the dust blows out of the clothing. Unfortunately, this left a rather large dust cloud and was too easily spotted. They tried a plastic tuxedo, but it was too shiny and very uncomfortable and sweaty. Eventually, the clothing was treated with a process that is the predecessor of the wrinkle resistant technology that we use today in our favorite chinos. This process cross-linked the fibers in such a manner that the dust could not cling on to the outer surfaces of the fabric. Additionally, they experimented with negative and positive ion flow around the fabric from which the tux was made. The reverse of this process was also linked to the development of the Ionic Breeze from the Sharper Image. The clothing had positively charged nano-tubules of a highly specialized space age polymer textile that actually caused the dust to be forced away from (as opposed to drawn toward) the fabric. The end result was an operative that could crawl through the dirtiest of ductwork and come out completely spotless.

I have some interesting e-mail exchanges.

This entry was posted Friday, February 2nd, 2007 at 10:15 pm and is filed under Amusing, Random Thoughts. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.